This morning I checked that one person's Twitter and noticed that she posted a news item. I did like the story, but I realized that my appetite for news, including the local weather, has dropped to virtually nothing. Sure, the news plays around me, but I haven't been interested. I kind of knew this was happening the whole time, but some part of me felt it was a worthy sacrifice for my goals. I tend to obsess with goals to the exclusion of other things. Therefore, if I could just achieve the goal then I could rejoin the world. Now, I am thinking that I need to rejoin the world first because I feel that I am only becoming less attractive by the day.
Granted, she's been where I'm at and I've been where she's at. I just want to synchronize already. The news is natural for her right now, just not for me.
Granted, I've been traveling and keeping up on some limited events, but I haven't really paid attention to the world with the exception of myself, that one person, and family. I'm realizing that I should be more interested in what's going on now. That realization is the first step, I guess. However, the block still persists. My appetite is still an appetite for one (two including myself).
It feels like maybe I should just give up and completely revert but where would that get me? The whole point of all this was making things different, not going back. I think I'll have to be a "worldless" individual until things play out. Ironically, the "worldlessness" has been relieved by moments of becoming more worldly. This preoccupation has made me both ignorant and informed, in turns. A writer friend of mine recently expressed a disillusionment with fiction. He said he wasted his life and that he is a hack and that he misses the feeling of loving everything he wrote. That was me. I loved everything I was saying to, or doing for, that special someone, and now I feel it slipping. I'm feeling the inspiration and magic drying up.
I can't lose my world and my main wishlist bitch. I can lose one but I need the other and I'm still leaning toward the bitch.
Last night she posted some very weird tweets and I posted some replies that I thought were appropriate. This morning she deleted the tweets so I deleted the replies. Is she trying to make me look psychotic? Tweeting to stuff that isn't there? Was she just embarrassed by the tweets? Ashamed? Was she embarrassed by my replies? These are the things on my mind--not global warming or the water supply or social security--I'm caught up in Twitter minutiae.
Maybe, I just need my coffee today. Astrology predicts good things for tonight and Saturday. We'll see. I hope. And yeah, I'm taking astrology kind of seriously.
This is what I know. The goal isn't dead. The zest must return. I'm enduring some kind of cyber space silent treatment for the time being, but I shouldn't let that get me down. I think the goal is more important for where I'm at in life than keeping up with and sharing the news. But I also need to make the news (and its world) live for me again, I need to so that she's not the only one (between us) currently capable of appreciating the news, finding humor in it and so on.
Then again, if she regretted those tweets, those secrets are safe with me.
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